


our world is fine (by the ocean)

by starryvin



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 03:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17459762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryvin/pseuds/starryvin
Summary: Garrus notices Shepard acting oddly and investigates, but is hardy prepared for what he uncovers.- - - -Kink meme fill for a prompt from, get ready for this, 2012.https://masseffectkink.dreamwidth.org/3553.html?thread=7192545





	our world is fine (by the ocean)

**Author's Note:**

> You know the way it is in life, it's so hard to live up to  
> So why are you still dressed in your mourning suit?  
> I assume, I assume  
> You'll lead me down, to the ocean  
> Don't leave me down, by the ocean
> 
> \- "The Ocean", Richard Hawley

Garrus has had to come to terms with this: Shepard isn't the easiest human to read.

Sure. Okay. Humans are generally easy, so Shepard isn't that hard. A hanar? That's difficult. A human with huge facial expressions and (generally) little reservations? Bah. Few easier things in the world.

Except that Shepard keeps a lid on everything. Everything. He remembers being there after Kaidan died and by the Spirits, the woman showed no sign of having suffered any of the tremendous loss everyone else felt. She shut down discussion with her stony facade and, one presumes, dealt with it on her own time. Or maybe she just never dealt with it. Not like he has any right to talk about healthy ways to deal with loss when Shepard had to literally stand in the way of his shot to ensure that he did not take his revenge. (He still doesn't know what he feels about that, but trusts his Commander like a disgustingly good turian.)

But still. Something is wrong. Everyone knows that, right? Everyone can see it, right? He doesn't have to be the one facing emotions, right?

Except, no. Nobody else is noticing. Joker, maybe. But he cannot be trusted to deal with anything requiring more emotion than a simple joke about turians who take rockets to the face. And since Shepard is no better...

Garrus is slightly bitter about Liara not seeing it. She is just buried in her projects, of course, but still, could she not help at least a little bit-- But no. Garrus is alone. And he has to put all of his detective skills to work.

 

 

The first thing he does is check her messages without her knowledge - easy enough, with Traynor distracted and Shepard elsewhere. There are a few personal ones that he doesn't read, like the ones from Thane because he honestly doesn't want to know too much on that front, but none of the official stuff brings anything to light. He pretty much knows all of it because Shepard is open about the way she leads. There is little that could make her even feel slightly down about the many messages; most of it is neutral or positive, such as thanks and promises of support. Sure, the dalatress had clearly taken a different approach to it but judging from the way Shepard had ushered Wrex, Liara, Joker, and himself into a room and read the mail out loud to them looking like a pyjak in an orchard kind of suggests that she does not mind.

Mordin's death is an obvious tragedy that she may be reacting to. But why Mordin, if not Kaidan? Maybe she is tiring of the war and of losing people -- that seems like a possible answer. If Mordin and Shepard had been closer, Garrus would not have even felt the need to dig deeper and find another explanation. However, they had not really been anything but professional buddies. And moreover, she'd expressed sorrow over his passing.

Asking Shepard is out of the question. He doesn't know, he just feels, and he has never had much luck explaining that to a superior officer. Shepard is no turian but she is enough like one to make him sure that she would just dismiss his worry and say that nothing is wrong if he did not confront her with something concrete.

 

 

It is actually Cortez who cracks it, or gives him the clue he needs.

He is in the cargo hold, making sure his Mantis is fine, and the man is working on something. Calibrations, probably. Working alongside Cortez is great: the man is not talkative and has an appreciation for the simplicity of just concentrating on one issue and then working on that with no distractions. Sure, Vega sometimes pipes up and it is usually something annoying; the best time to work down there is when there is nobody but him and Cortez.

And yet, now the man clears his throat and actually initiates a conversation.

"What do you know of the Commander's relationships? As in, romantic."

That's a little too specific. If Garrus didn't know Cortez is gay, he might think that the man is trying to gauge his chances. But now it just makes him more confused.

"Well, she's with that drell assassin we mentioned," he says. "Thane Krios. Got injured on Citadel, on the mend now. Why are you asking?"

Cortez abandons his monitor and turns to Garrus. He is truly frowning now, looking like he is trying to solve a very hard calculation in his mind. He, actually, looks like he isn't sure how to word what he is about to say, or if he is even sure he should say it. Garrus gives him his best good cop stare.

"Look," the man finally says and glances away from Garrus. "Thing is, my husband died a year ago. And... well, I just look at Commander Shepard and see myself from time to time. I can't explain it any better. I just thought you might know something about... Never mind."

Garrus' mandibles flare as he stares at the man who turns back to his monitor, face slowly turning red. His mind is turning the new information around, trying to find an anomaly and--

"Oh, spirits," he curses and drops his rifle with a clatter, racing to the elevator and leaving behind a confused Cortez.

He bursts into Liara's office not a minute later, stomping over to her.

"Liara! Huerta Memorial Hospital patient records, can you pull them up for me?"

"Hello to you, too, Garrus," Liara says serenely and starts typing. "Why do you need them?"

"Look up Thane Krios," Garrus says. Damn it, Shepard had told them he was getting better--

"All right," Liara sighs, clearly understanding that she is not going to get a reason out of him. She clicks and swipes around and then turns to him. "There is nobody with that name."

"Oh, dammit," Garrus grits out, cursing his own stupidity. Of course Thane would be using a false identity. He has no idea what it would be. "What about... is there mention of a drell funeral on the Citadel? A drell dying? Anything?"

Liara starts digging again.

"There is a Krios here," she eventually says. "Not Thane, Kolyat. Listed as a next of kin to a Tannor Nuara. He has been contacted five days ago about... oh, Goddess."

"What?" Garrus asks and rushes behind her to read over her shoulder. "What?"

Liara points at a window being projected in front of her. Garrus leans in to read it. There, in clear print: _decision to withdraw care made with agreement of Mr. Nuara and Mr. Krios. Death witnessed an hour later by Mr. Krios and Commander Jane Shepard, Council SpecTRe._

He doesn't wait. He doesn't even thank Liara. He bolts out of there like shot out of a cannon.

 

 

Shepard is in her cabin. Poring over papers. She starts out of it as Garrus enters. The dark bags under her eyes are clearly visible in the cold, unforgiving light.

"You are the stupidest smart person I have ever known," Garrus says before she can even greet him. "When were you planning to tell us?"

"Tell you what, Garrus?" Shepard asks and stands up, the anger in her voice unsurprising. Garrus is also unfazed by it and stomps over.

"Thane," he says.

Shepard pales visibly and the area around her eyes reddens. A telltale sign that a human is about to cry. Garrus panicks just a little bit because he doesn't know how to deal with anyone crying and he really doesn't know how to deal with _Commander Shepard_ crying because he has never, ever dealt with it before in his life.

"I don't know," Shepard says and steps back. "I'm sorry, I just... I know he was your friend too but I-"

As soon as her eyes start to glisten, Garrus steps over and sweeps her into a tight hug. She is stiff against him for a second and then relaxes, starts to tremble. That they have been through this much together and she still feels like she cannot show weakness to him... it hurts. He wants to change it.

"Hey, Shep," he mutters into her red hair. "Hey, it's okay. We all act like total asses when we lose people."

"It's so stupid!" Shepard wails into his chest. "I knew what I was getting into and I still feel like this."

Garrus doesn't really know what to say about that. He squeezes her tighter. It is only just beginning to sink in for him, actually -- Thane Krios is gone. Garrus will not ever again hear that voice, that rumbling two-toned voice so similar yet different to his own. He won't ever again be able to trade snide remarks for sarcasm veiled in tranquility with the other sniper.

It hurts. It does. It's just sinking in now. He'd never been a close friend -- Thane Krios wasn't the kind of a person to really have close friends -- but he'd had a lot of appreciation for the man and his calm presence on the battle field. And now? All of that is gone somewhere inaccessible. Somewhere Garrus cannot begin to find, somewhere he cannot go and come back from.

There is a knock on the door and it slides open. Garrus sees Liara step in, smells the tea in the pot she is carrying on a tray. One of three mugs is already full -- for him, he assumes.

"Oh, Shepard," she says and hurries over to them, setting the tray down on the table. "You could have told us. You know we don't see you any different for your loss."

"I know," Shepard mumbles into Garrus' chest. Garrus is loath to let her go but it might be better to deal with this on the couch instead of standing up because he is kind of holding Shepard up at this point and she isn't the lightest human he has met. He untangles her and pulls her down onto the couch with him. Liara takes their Commander's other side, drawing her feet up onto the couch and leaning against her. Garrus hands them cups of herbal tea and grabs his own.

"I remember when you came to Illium," Liara then says. "You were looking for an assassin." Shepard sniffs and nods. "You came by to see me after that with him and..." Liara sighs. "I didn't know what to think of him. Even though he was there when you helped me with Feron, I don't think I have any idea what he was really like. Would you tell me?"

Shepard is holding back tears. Garrus rubs her shoulder because that's what he's seen her do when comforting Ashley.

"You knew him best, Shepard," he says. "I don't think I can do him any justice if I try to explain him."

"I can't," Shepard says finally. "I don't... I don't know how to. I don't know where to start."

"Feron mentioned about the Compact," Liara says and puts her hand in Shepard's hair. "He said that he wasn't sure if it was a good idea to put children into that situation."

"Oh," Shepard says and now there is a bite back in her words. "That's something we actually fought about. Man, he just didn't want to hear anything bad about the hanar and..." She sniffs. "Stupid, big, pink jellyfish cultists. I can't look at them the same anymore."

"That's what Thane was like, though," Garrus says. "He was always polite and respectful, no matter what someone might have done to him. At least he never showed me even if he disagreed with me. You must have had something really special if you actually fought about something."

Shepard chuckles and shakes her head.

"Yeah, he lost some of that stupid politeness when he was talking to me. He said it was all my fault." She lays her head against his arm. "I never had enough time to spend with him. It's so stupid, the Alliance didn't even let me send him a message and they blocked everything he tried to send me. And then when we finally get to meet again..."

"Feron just heard his lungs are starting to really suffer from Keprel's," Liara says and Shepard takes a sip of her tea, maybe to hide the tears pushing up again. Garrus keeps rubbing her shoulder. Liara sounds to be considering something. Then she continues. "It's a horrible disease."

"We were so careful about it," Shepard says. "Whenever we were... together. You know. But he'd just start coughing and then it wouldn't stop..." She puts down her tea on her legs. "I'm sorry I'm telling you all of this, I shouldn't be putting this on you."

"Fuck you," Garrus says with passion. "We're your friends. You always listen to us whenever we have any problems at all, so you can go get stuffed if you think that we're not willing to listen to you talk about the one you loved dying."

"You absolutely have the right to tell us if you're hurting," Liara says with almost as much passion. "Shepard, we want to help you."

Shepard is trembling again.

"I knew he was going to die," she finally says in a small, painful voice. "And the worst part of it that he was at such peace about it. Only once I saw him even a little bit afraid. Just before we stormed the Collector ship. And I think he was so much more afraid than he showed me and I wish he would have showed it all, because I know that I could have at least tried to help him. And talking about it would have helped me too."

"I know," Liara says.

"Stupid, stubborn, repressed asshole," Shepard mutters and wipes her eyes. Garrus reaches out for the box of tissues on the tray Liara had brough with her -- ever so resourceful. Shepard grabs a fistful of them and rubs her eyes.

"It's hard to talk about," Garrus says. "Thane was really good at talking about other people's feelings and somewhat also his own, but never about dying. I think he was so sure he was okay with it that he didn't even let himself consider anything else. I remember that we had a great conversation about revenge."

"He should have been a fucking psychotherapist," Shepard growls as she yanks another tissue out of the box, which launches itself to the floor by the force. "Not a child soldier. He could have lived a good life in those stupid domed cities. Never gotten into this shit at all." She sniffs and chokes on her words and buries her face in the now wet tissue. "I never even could take him to that fucking desert. He told me he'd like to see a desert cause he'd never been to one."

Liara puts her arms around her.

"Things happen," she says. "I don't doubt that you would have done anything you could for him. None of us do."

"I do," Shepard grits out. "I could have done more. I could have talked with him more, I could have spent more time with him, I could have been there for him in the hospital, but I was too fucking busy saving the galaxy because everyone seems to always expect me to fucking do it."

"I know," Liara says. "But you did your very best. Like you always do. I have no doubt he understood."

"Stupid galaxy," Shepard mutters. "Can't keep its shit together long enough for me to say proper goodbye to someone I loved."

"I know, Shepard," Garrus says. "I know."

 

 

She falls asleep between them, exhausted from crying and her throat hurting.

She wakes up on the bed, in a pile of people. Tali is using her stomach as a pillow, she herself is resting her head on Ashley's shoulder. Garrus has his arms loosely draped over her waist and Liara is curled around her head. Just next to Ash, Joker is snoozing, snoring softly with his cap pulled over his eyes.

She can't remember the last time she slept so soundly.

She cries again, just a little bit, but it feels quite good.

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of love songs have a motif of seas and oceans. When you add a drell, it gets a little sinister.
> 
> Working title: "someone finally acknowledges thane's death i'm not bitter"


End file.
